Alone On A Saturday Thinking About Directions

Home alone on a Saturday morning, sitting on the sofa sipping coffee and reading a book about Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt, I take a short break to write some random thoughts that creep into my brain; thoughts that are interrupting my attempts to focus on the book.

Even though some details are new to me, I mostly know how the Roosevelt story ends. Obviously I don’t know how my story will end, nor can I know in advance what my life journey details will be.

I am at a crossroads that I bet many boomers reach in their 60s. The intersection seems to be in a large, open field where two highways cross, giving a person at least four directions to choose from in determining which way to proceed. Walk along a road north, south, east or west, step off the road and walk diagonally into the open field, or just stand there and contemplate the situation. That adds up to at least nine options. The picture in my head reminds me of a scene from the movie North By Northwest.

Being the over-thinker that I tend to be, I am just standing there in deep, unproductive contemplation. Being the planner that I am, I have thought through many options for my future. Being the procrastinator that I often am, I’m stuck at the crossroads, head filled with ideas, heart filled with possibilities, brain in motion, feet stuck in the middle of the crossroad.

I am also a rabid proponent of visualization. Early in my career, I pictured jobs and places; and that visualization led me to take the steps to eventually hold some very interesting jobs in very interesting cities. Visualization seems to have led my brain to take the necessary steps to reach my goals. Sometimes I planned those actions and sometimes the steps happened in the background regions of my brain.

I visualized a fun and loving relationship with a woman. I am now in one. I wasn’t looking, but that picture directed my brain to take the steps, even though I wasn’t really conscious that it was happening that way. I was just being myself, a mostly unfiltered version of the real me. Apparently that was more appealing that I had thought.

What seems to be happening now is this: I don’t have a clear picture of what I want my future to look like.  I am not always good at asking for directions. AARP says that this is the time in our life to do what we always wanted to do. Hmmm. I’ve mostly been doing what I always wanted to do for the past forty four years.

Now what? Keep doing it till the reality of my age kicks me out?  Stick with it till I burn out from the sheer quantity of what is expected of me, a quantity geared to a younger person with more natural energy?  Or do I exit to another chapter, on my terms and timetable?

I have glimpses of possible futures in my head. They look like partially developed prints from an old school photo dark room or a partially finished Polaroid picture.

I had role models in my youth, people who held the jobs or lived the life I wanted. At present, however, most people older than me are retired. They’ve planned well for retirement. I haven’t. They choose to not work. I want to work, just at a slower pace.

So here I am, sitting alone on my sofa writing about this AGAIN. Hope this repetitious theme isn’t boring you. If you’re a boomer, maybe you identify with this line of thought.

I am confident I’ll find the vision I need to pick a direction on this crossroad. I hope it won’t take a crop duster swooping down on me to kick me into the action needed to choose my next steps.