The Procedure

Every baby boomer knows you’re supposed to get “the procedure” when you turn 50. If that’s you, what are you waiting for? It is so easy (I’m lying) and comfortable (OK, that is partly true). I had my first one today. Here are a few random observations:

The colonoscopy and recovery was the best sleep I’ve had in months. The time from when the anesthesiologist said “ok, time for sleep” till the nurse said something like “wake up, Sleeping Beauty” felt like five minutes. I was actually under over an hour.

Preparation the day before is much less comfortable than the procedure. Part of it includes using the entire contents of a specific size container of a product that relieves constipation. I read the label as I mixed it with a sports drink … it was a 14-day supply, which I was to consume over the next six hours.

Basically the prep involves no solid food for at least 24 hours and way more fluid intake than you would normally have in a day. My grocery trip in preparation for the preparation must have looked like stocking up for a very bizarre party: Gatoraid, ginger ale, apple juice, cranberry juice, chicken broth, bottled water and Miralax.

I am a regular guy. You know what I mean by that in the context of this post, right? I was “regular” at least 14 times in 24 hours. Ouch.

Here comes the gross part (assuming the previous two paragraphs didn’t make you sick): pooping liquid is a very odd experience. Oh, and the afore-mentioned sports drink was red. Draw your own conclusion.

Here comes some gross but funny stuff, part of a text exchange with a friend during my prep day: “Anybody who thinks I’m full of shit should check with me later.” “It’s a crappy day, but in a good way.” “As long as I don’t get shitfaced.” “Who new shit could be so funny?” “Yep, that’s some funny shit.” ”This shit has to stop.” There were more lines but I deleted the text by mistake under the lingering effects of the anesthesia.

I now have six full-color pictures of the inside of my rectum. No, they will not be available on my photo blog.

Okaaaay, enough of that shit, uhh I mean stuff. Yes, everyone should get this procedure regularly, usually starting at age 50; younger if there are other indicators of possible problems. The gastroenterologist suggested I do this all again in three years.

The first thing I did when I got home this afternoon was eat a sandwich. I never thought a basic ham sandwich could taste so good. And I won’t be drinking any red sports drinks for a long time.


Linda V. said…
Been there, did that. Glad you made it through.